mnmlist: Hazy Lovers

Dear David,

I’ve been friends with this guy for about 7 years now, and we dated for awhile in high school. We go to the same college and we’ve been hanging out off and on and sometimes we make out or sleep together (no sex). Last month he texted me randomly after not talking for 6+months and asked me out to lunch. It went well and then I left to go hang out with some friends. He texted me later and asked me to hang out again. And we’ve been hanging out like once a week since then. The other day he came over and I gave him a blow job for the first time and then I had to leave for class. He told me to txt him and when I did he didn’t respond. His phone is kind of messed up/broken and he doesn’t receive txts and calls sometimes. I was waiting for him to text me back or to think, Hey this is weird she usually always texts me and my phone is broken, why don’t I text her?? But he didn’t… Does this mean he doesn’t really care about me? After a couple of days I called him and asked him why he hadn’t texted me back and he said that he never got them.. Do I have a right to be mad? We’re not together, but I was kind of having feelings for him.

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

“But I was kind of having feelings.” I believe this last line holds the key to all the preceding ones. What’s overwhelming me in your situation is a decided lack of clarity–lots of “kind of’s” and few “is’s” and “are’s”.

My initial–and cynical–reaction is that he kept you around until he had sex with you (or the Clintonian equivalent thereof). When he got what he wanted, the challenge and sexual mystery disappeared, he lost interest and he wanted out. I could be wrong. There could have been an issue with his phone, but the simultaneity of the blowjob and cell-phone breakdown seems a bit too convenient. Guys will find a way to be in touch with a girl they’re hot for.

What happened? I can’t say with the info provided or without hearing what he has to say. But because this is my blog, I’ll make some wild guesses:

  • One, or both of you, were never that into each other, and your dalliances were more a function of convenience than affection. Something compelled you two to start and stop several times over the last seven years rather than stay together. This something may have been circumstances that you did not outline, but I’d say more than likely there was some less-than-complete affection that never made this a lasting, romantic relationship. It’s important to note that this lack of affection might have been coming from only one of you. Given that you’re a bit in the dark as to the relationship’s status, that lack is probably coming from him.
  • You were not, and likely are still not, clear on what you want out of this relationship. Do you want to be his girlfriend, occasional lover, wife, chum? I don’t know anything other than you “kind of” have feelings for him and that you like to have PG-13 hook-ups with him, which, incidentally, are not the actions of straight-up friendship. Tiffany, it’s okay to have feelings for someone. It’s even okay to have those feelings when you’re pretty sure the other person doesn’t share them with you. Perhaps you keep your feelings indistinct because you fear they won’t be shared, and to permit yourself to feel that way leaves you vulnerable. I don’t know. What I do know is hazy intentions produce hazy results, and until you get clear about this, you probably won’t be able to know what’s going on.

My advice:

  • Lay it on the line. Tell him what you want and ask him what he wants from the relationship. You could argue that this will create an irreversible weirdness in your friendship, but I think that happened long ago. This was never just a friendship. My wife and I were friends for many years, but we never hooked up or had romantic overtones until I said, “Have you thought about me [in a romantic sense]?” This is a risky route, but it also could be one that gets the situation straight. It might even be a call to action for him, where he gets distinct about his feelings for you. Whichever way it rolls, if you guys are really strong friends, you’ll endure whatever awkward moments this might result in. Seven years (and I suspect you guys are young) is nothing to sneeze at. Maybe this is just the beginning of something great.
  • Move on. This sort of contradicts my previous advice. As a rule, I don’t think women should pursue men (the main exception being if you’re a woman with a masculine energy). If he’s not taking strides to get in touch with you and make his feelings about you clear, he’s probably not that into you and you’re better off being with someone who is. It’s really okay. At some point and time in our lives, most of us find ourselves in relationships that don’t serve us. Sometimes it’s a matter of working things out with the other person–each side evolving together and learning how to serve the other. Other times, the relationship was never that great in the first place and we’re best learning from our mistakes, seeing what we might put in the next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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