mnmlist: Stop Waiting for Things to Get Better
My total income last year could purchase a late-90’s Chrysler Sebring convertible. I tempered this lamentable situation with the certainty that financial providence was right around the corner. My well-thought-out plan was that Oprah would read my blog and say, “holy shit, how did the world ever exist without David’s prophetic prose? Get him a book deal and TV show stat.” Money problem solved.
Perhaps Ms. Winfrey has read my blog and is conferring with her people about how to present her generous support. Or perhaps I am completely deluded.
Most of us have difficulty owning the results in our lives. We see the unhealthy relationships, crappy jobs and flabby bodies, and recognize they’re problematic. But we are certain that something is going to change real soon (read: Oprah’s intervention). That dude/chick from OK Cupid with the picture of him/her with his/her dog is going to be our soulmate. We’re going to leave our job and start an organic cupcake shop. We are going to get a PX90 Workout System, cut out carbs and be totally lean and ripped by summer.
But what happens? The date was annoying and couldn’t stop talking about his/her dog. We made elaborate business plans that collect dust because things got so busy at our jobs. PX90 and no-carbs are trumped by “Breaking Bad” episodes and organic cupcakes.
The reasons we don’t change are:
- We are deluded about who we are and where we are at. We have distorted views of ourselves and the facts of our lives. It’s impossible to map a journey before setting one’s bearings.
- We believe the problem is out there—that it’s about finding the right person, the right business opportunity, the right workout system and diet, the right whatever. But the problem is never out there, later. It’s right here, now, and it’s us. And unless we change now, nothing else will.
My girlfriend and I have been talking about our future—cohabitation, procreation, other -tions. These are real world plans; ones that require more than dreams for realizing. You can’t buy diapers with delusion.
Our future will not happen if I wait for Oprah to call. Our future, if we get this far, will feature two babies, one baby-sized and another 6’3”/170 pounds.
If I want a future where I might be able to take care of someone other than myself, I had to get real.
The first thing I recognized is that I need paid work. I’ve recognized this for a while , but recognizing and doing are vastly different things. Until I have a job, my realization is an abstraction—devoid of meaning or reality.
Based on some coaching I received, I was asked, “What is missing, the presence of which would make a difference in this situation?”
What was missing for me was humility. I wasn’t humble enough to say that I needed and wanted work; I wasn’t humble enough to say I didn’t know what kind of work I wanted; I wasn’t humble enough to say that my resume is pretty shitty for most jobs.
I also saw boldness was missing. Boldness meant being willing to do whatever was necessary to get a job. It’s a tough market. I suspect few would say, “Let’s hire that timid guy. He’s really going to be an asset.”
Out of the “what’s missing,” I generated actions that corresponded with them. What I came up with was a letter sent to around 100 contacts. Here it is:
Subject: Request for Help
A few years ago, I had an unexpected, middle-of-the-night move (aka breakup). At that moment, I needed my friends’ help more than ever, so I spammed you, requesting shelter. You answered that request with love and generosity, landing me a great place within 12 hours of making it. Few things are as sublime as genuine dependence. Having no shame in asking for what you need.
Today, I find myself at a similar crossroads.
I need and want work. I’ve been plugging along with Lucid [an event I produce] and my blog for a while now, and will continue to do so. But frankly, I don’t make enough money to support myself, much less the family that’s in my future. I’m also eager to show up someplace where it’s more than me making the breaks–where I can contribute to a large team.
So I’m making a request: If any of you have ideas or leads for jobs, I want to hear them.
What I’m looking for: I’m open. I see my chief competencies as communication (written and spoken) and relationship forging and maintaining. I do event stuff obviously, but my main joy is working with people. I believe these qualities would lend themselves to writing, sales, marketing, HR, PR or advertising positions.
Just as important as what I will do is where. I want to be in a dynamic, progressive, conscious/non-evil environment (i.e. no big pharma). I’m open to big and small organizations alike–from Google to start-ups. Regular work is preferred to freelance, though I’m open to the latter. Some areas I’ve been considering are tech, marketing/branding firms/shops, food (e.g. Whole Foods), conferences/events and media; but again, I’m open to suggestions.
My corporate resume is thin, but I’m not afraid to start at the beginning. I’m happy to prove myself (a well-placed character reference is always appreciated if you’re inclined to do so).
I will reach out to you personally, but I want to first cast a wide net. If you have any suggestions or are willing to lend your insights, please let me know. I look forward to spam-free communication meeting.
Until then, with great appreciation,
The response was amazing. Within five days, I am contemplating two very attractive job possibilities, not to mention several others. But none of this would have happened if I had continued to wait for something outside myself to remedy the situation or delude myself to think that things were going to get better. Who I was being—unrealistic, complacent, timid—would not propel me to the next level. I had to be something else if I wanted something else.
With this in mind, here are some things to try out:
- Name one area of your life you are hoping will get better.
- Get honest about what will most likely happen in that area. For example, if you’ve been underemployed your whole adult life, you will probably continue to be so for the foreseeable future. It’s not guaranteed, but it’s likely.
- What is missing, the presence of which would make a difference in this situation? For me, it was humility and boldness. Other examples include trusting, open, honest, generous, playful, etc.
- Name an action that corresponds with the “what’s missing.” For example, my email represented both humility and boldness.
- Take that action now. Like, really.
[I’m still looking for dating and relationship questions. Please email them to me df at davidfriedlander dot com. All correspondences are confidential. Thanks.]