mnmlist: No Shit Dating and Relationship Advice (Part III)
[I’m still going and probably have a few more things to say. I might just take out the “part” part.]
Focus on being happy and having a good time
Men and women act ridiculous when trying to attract a partner. Men act serious and/or predatory. Women act aloof and humorless. If you want to attract someone and keep him or her attracted, stop fronting. It’s unattractive. Fun, happy people are attracted to fun, happy people. Fronting, insecure people are attracted to fun, happy people too (but not vice versa).
Back in my single days, I was reasonably adept at meeting women. My guy friends asked me how I did it and I said, “smile and give yourself reasons to smile all the time.” It’s was a win-win. I was happy, and I attracted people—men, women, happy and unhappy alike. Humans want to be happy. When someone seems to have that trait, we gravitate toward it.
There are some who are drawn toward darkness and sadness. If that’s what these folks want their lives to look like, then they should move toward that moody dude or that sad-eyed girl. Maybe their love will fix them.
The rest of us want to be happy. And happy-loving people rarely see someone and think, “Man, who’s that anxious guy/girl over there? I want to get to know him/her.” Don’t be one of those anxious/fearful/angry/sad guys or girls.
Give yourself reasons to smile. Hang out with fun friends. Do things that interest you. This principle holds true whether you’re single, dating or married.
If you really can’t create reasons to smile, you probably shouldn’t be concerned with dating and relationships. Take yourself off the market until you address your needs. Do yourself and the dating pool a favor. Seriously.
Make your romantic intentions known
For men, this means taking risks. The reason men don’t risk and let their romantic intentions be known is they fear being rejected. They think that if they make their intentions known, it’ll scare women away before they know the great guys they are. So these men act as though they are only interested in being friends, hoping the girls will come around. These guys rarely get as far as friendship, having to content themselves with indifferent stares and fake phone numbers. If they do make friendship inroads, it usually ends in bitterness because the woman shacked up with some guy who had the balls to be straight about how he feels.
Don’t be an asexual lump. It’s better to go down swinging. And relax, not every woman is going to think you’re hot. You don’t find every woman hot, right? Be bold.
It’s prudent to clarify what I mean by taking risks, letting your intentions be known and being bold. It does not mean groping or harassing or any other form of forceful behavior. It means clearly offering your intentions to the other party for consideration. She can take or leave this offering—this part is out of the man’s control.
For women, this means taking risks too. She has to be vulnerable enough to admit she is interested in a guy romantically. Women do the “just friends” thing too, hanging on far too long with men they are attracted to in order to avoid what they probably already know: that the attraction is not shared. Most women know this from the get-go but are afraid of admitting it. They’ll endure a purgatorial vagueness in the relationship rather than knowing one way or the other.
You might be thinking, “What if a woman is attracted to an asexual lump who doesn’t know how to make his intentions known?” To which I answer, few woman are attracted to asexual lumps.
Men who have experience with women—men women are attracted to—tend to make their intentions clear from the outset, be they romantic or not.
Some men and women send mixed signals, making their intentions unclear. If this is the case, at some point you will have to ask what their intentions are and deal with the consequences. Whether the answer is that they are attracted, not or uncertain, you’ll have an answer (and yes, “uncertain” is an answer). Better to know sooner than later.
I don’t have personal experience with how this plays out in gay relationships, though I imagine it’s much the same as straight ones. Be clear about your intentions. If they are not reciprocated, accept it or move on.
There is the chance that two people are just friends and romantic feeling develop over time. This is ideal. Romance combined with friendship endures. Romance without friendship crashes. Who I am speaking to are people who know how they feel but are afraid of expressing those feelings.