I was having a conversation with some friends about sex and the question was asked, “What do you like about sex?”
I answered that during sex, the division between who I am and who is “other” is broken down. By penetrating someone I am emotionally connected with, getting her permission to treat her body as my own, touching it in any way I choose, wherever I choose, the confines of identity are loosened. I am transported to a place where there is no self, no self-centeredness, leaving no one to injure, no one to have problems, no one to suffer. Only delight. And I like orgasms too. They feel good.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’m re-reading David Deida’s “The Way of the Superior Man.” The passage I read today is called, “Do it For Love,” where he outlines different ways a man can deal with women and the world:
There are two ways to deal with woman and world without compromising your true gifts or dribbling away the force of your deep being. One way is to renounce sexual intimacy and worldliness, totally dedicating yourself without distraction or compromise to the path you choose to pursue, free of the seemingly constant demands of woman and world.
The other way is to “fuck” both to smithereens, to ravish them with your love unsheathed, to give your true gifts despite the constant tussle of woman and world, to smelt your authentic gifts in this friction of opposition and surrender, to thrust love from the freedom of your deep being even as your body and mind die blissfully through a crucifixion of inevitable pleasure and pain, attraction and repulsion, gain and loss. No gifts left ungiven. No limit to the depth of being. Only openness, freedom, and love as the legacy of your intercourse with woman and world.
If we are to buy Deida’s conceit (and I do), we should examine and choose one of the two ways (note: this lesson is not strictly man-centered, though it is directed to people who identify primarily with their masculine energy). While the choice might seem obvious for most of us, there are some who lean toward the first way, i.e. the way of the renunciant. We are done (or wish to be done) with worldly stuff, with its junk, competition, struggles, pleasure and pain.
If this is your choice, choose it, commit to it. This does not mean you have to become a monk or a nun, nor does it mean you must abide in this place forever. It just means that you should honor that inclination and not pretend like the accumulation of worldly pleasures is your chief aim in life.
For the rest of us, fuck we must.
It’s easy to see how life is like sex: both are enacted with seemingly random people, both can be done alone but are better with partners, both have the potential to feel hollow or rapturous and both are over before we know it.
There is a saying that the way we do the smallest thing is the way we do everything, and sex is a good example of this. When you have sex, do you do it hard and fast, trying to get your rocks off? Are you insecure and easily distracted? Do you wait for instructions? Do you fantasize about being with another partner? Do you feel disconnected from the people you have sex with? Are you sensitive to your partners needs? Do you wish you were having sex when you are not? Are you all in, losing yourself in pleasure and your partner?
Then we might ask ourselves, how does the way I have sex show up in the rest of my life? Am I trying to rush through life, extracting every bit of pleasure for myself? Do I go through my life prey to insecurities? Am I waiting for instructions to start living? Do I wish I was someone else, with someone else, somewhere else? Do I take genuine interest in the people in my life? Am I even living? Am I fucking the shit out of my life, lost in orgasmic delight?
Personally, I’m a good lover. When I do it, I do it. I am sensitive to my partner’s needs. I’m energetic. I take control. I do not fantasize about being someone else, or being with someone else. I have a good time and convey that to my partner. But I also see how I content myself with good-enough. Being sexually expressed is easy for me. Rather than expanding on my natural aptitude, I can be complacent, not looking for higher forms of expression. And so it is with my life.
Like sex, I have a natural facility with writing (I’m shutting down comments on this one). It’s where I lose myself. It’s how I penetrate people without the interchange of bodily fluids. Consequently, I want to write for a living. And yet to do this, I need more than aptitude. I must learn, invest and commit myself to this path fully. I can’t give birth to my career by finger-banging it. I must fuck it good and often.
In the spirit of turning our lives into orgiastic feast, here are some things to contemplate today:
- Am I a renunciant or a fornicator? Am I clear about my choice either way?
- If I am not a renunciant, am I fucking life fully, masturbating or in a state of perpetual foreplay, waiting for the moment to penetrate or be penetrated?
- Name one action would I take if I were to really engage my life like it were an ecstatic sexual act? Do it.